The Principal's Handbook

Flourishing as an Educator: Balancing Leadership and Self-Care with Will Parker
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Welcome to the Principal's Handbook, your go to resource for principals looking to revamp their leadership approach and prioritize self care. I'm Barb Flowers, a certified life coach with eight years of experience as an elementary principal. Tune in each week as we delve into strategies for boosting mental resilience, managing time effectively, and nurturing overall wellness.
From tackling daily challenges to maintaining a healthy work life balance, I'm Barb Flowers. We'll navigate the complexities of school leadership together. Join me in fostering your sense of purpose as a principal and reigniting your passion for the job. Welcome to a podcast where your wellbeing is the top priority.
Welcome everyone to the Principal's Handbook. I'm really excited today. We have guest with us Will Parker and it's so exciting to have him on the podcast because when I was a principal, I listened to his podcast every day on my way to work. And then he actually mentored me and coached me in one of his mastermind [00:01:00] groups.
And so it is an honor to have Will on the podcast today. So welcome. Barb Flowers. It's so fun because we've known each other for so long and now I get to be on the other side of listening to your podcast, so congratulations. Thank you. It's exciting to be here and. Yeah, I just love this work that we're doing supporting principles.
I think it's so important and you know, you've written a couple of books now and you have the one book , pause, breathe, flourish, living your best life as an educator. So talk to me a little bit about that book and why you decided to write it. Yeah. , most of the time when I'm writing something, it's because I find myself answering the same question over and over again.
And so that book was actually published in 2020, believe it or not, right in the middle of COVID. But I had started writing it a couple of years before that, because you and I have done this work long enough, Barb, to know that one of the [00:02:00] questions that leaders ask, especially ones that are trying to think about the long game.
Is how can I do this work sustainably? Or how do I not burn out? And, um, so this book was really born out of my own experience as a leader hitting that wall and then trying to figure out, okay, can I really do this and take care of myself and take care of my family? And I'll tell you the pivotal story for me that really prompted me to write this book.
That journey for me, Barb, was, um, I had been a classroom teacher for 11 years and then, uh, became an assistant principal at a large high school. And in the second year of that work, uh, my wife and I had four kids and they were all little at the time. So, you know, that time of life when you're just so busy.
And I remember how patient she was in that first year and my kids of just the time and the energy and the late nights [00:03:00] and coming home and barely having time to kiss them good night and setting up late on my laptop to catch up with work and getting up in the mornings super early so that I could open it up and do even more work.
And, um, I thought that that kind of hard work would make me that much more effective as a leader because I was so committed to wanting to be a good principal to my teachers and students and community members. But as a result, I was also just kind of shelving everything else in my life that brought me meaning or that refreshed me or that kept me healthy.
So one night, um, in year two, I came home and did the evening routine of helping put the kids to bed and sat down afterwards and opened my laptop to start working. And Missy said, Hey, can we have a conversation? And I said, sure. So she, so I shut my laptop and she said, well, the kids and I have decided that.
Or have accepted that you are a husband and a dad on the weekends only the [00:04:00] rest of the time the school owns you. And then she, and she didn't say with bitterness or resentment, just like simple resignation. This is just the way it is. And she said, in fact, you have become a shell of the man you used to be.
And so when she went to bed, I opened my laptop, but instead of working that night, I actually wrote a letter of resignation. And I said in that letter that, um, I had not found a way to take care of my responsibilities with the school community and take care of myself and my family. And I would be finding a new profession.
And I took that letter to work the next day and I put it in a folder and I set it on the corner of my desk. And I made a commitment. I said, I'm either going to begin to rediscover those practices that helped me. Um, not be the shell of the man that I used to be or, or I'm leaving this profession. I can go work at Home Depot and still love my family and take care of them.
And sadly in education, make about as much money as I'm making in this position. So the good news is that I stayed in this profession. , I had [00:05:00] opportunities to move into some other leadership positions. I became the principal eventually of another high school, which was north of Tulsa. It was a great fit for my family.
Um, and for that season of my life, but it was those. It was those intentional practices, Barb, that I started focusing on that, , and became a part of my cycle of reflection that helped me feel like I was flourishing as a person, not just as a leader that really motivated me to write that book because I wanted to be able to hand someone the resource to say, You know, I can have a 10 minute conversation with you about not burning out, but let me just share with you the cycles of reflection that I've had to go through.
So I broke the book into 10 areas of reflection, um, and I won't name them all here, but everything from your, um, most important relationships to your finances to your personal health, um, just giving you permission to just really dig deep and see how are you doing and where do you want to grow. [00:06:00] I love that your story gave me chills because I think it's a story that so many administrators know, and I've talked to other administrators who even, you know, now looking back their biggest advice is you have to put your family first.
And I think about even when I started, I, my first year as an assistant principal, I found out I was pregnant right after I started and then I had a one year old at home and, you know, if you let it, like you miss all those years of your kids lives, if you don't learn how to balance that. So I think that this is such an important topic that we have today.
I agree. And I've had leaders tell me that a lot. , when you, if you do have time to ever have a conversation about what do you. appreciate the most about your career. What do you resent the most? Um,, man, that resent question consistently comes back to, I wish I had spent more time with my family. So, um, but that, but But that's actually just one area where you need to be concerned.
I think , there's a, in our education [00:07:00] degrees, most of us are familiar with Maslow's hierarchy. Yeah. That hierarchy in terms of what, um, Qualities need to be present in order for a child to flourish and learning, , it starts off with your physical needs first, and then it moves up into your emotional and making sure you have enough resources.
And I'm not quoting Maslow's hierarchy, but the peak of that hierarchy when I was going through school was if we have all of those resources, you know, you have all of those resources. Then we reach self actualization, which is great because every person needs to be aware of who they are and reach their highest potential.
But it was, , it was a professor whose name is not coming to me off the top of my head, but I heard a presentation at a brain research conference in, um, years ago. And this was a professor from Urbana University. I'll have to look up his name. I'm sorry. I don't have it. Right in front of me, but he was the first person I saw do a presentation on Maslow's later years, and in his later years, Maslow, um, [00:08:00] added an additional category to the above self actualization.
He added transcendence, and when he was unpacking that pyramid, um, in trying to explain why he added transcendence, , this is my summary, if the goal of Of a person having the resources they need, the safety they need, the, , curiosity that's present, the problem solving to get to a place where they understand themselves.
That's a really great condition for people to be in is, , as humans. But if that's the peak of our Um, existence, just understanding ourselves. Maslow figured out in his older years, that's still pretty limited because guess what? There's a whole world of experience that you can learn from others, from history, from culture.
And I love that word transcendence because it also makes you aware that there's a universal. experience. , there's a truth that has been true for humanity since people have [00:09:00] been able to record their experiences and will be true after you and I are gone, Barb. , there's a beauty and a mystery and a wonder to this life , that is awe inspiring.
And so, man, , that's what flourishing really looks like is when you can experience life in a way that leads you to that moment , of awe and wonder and beauty and transcendence. And I know I'm getting really like ethereal, in this conversation, but the point is this when we take the opportunity to reflect on those really practical areas of our life, our personal health, our families.
Our own learning, , our own spirituality. All of those things make up , , they give us the, , my granddad was a farmer. So I always think about him. They give us the, garden bed in which to grow the best soil. Yeah, , , so coming back to those essentials is a really great way for us , to make sure that , we're cultivating the kind of garden that we want to produce the fruits that we want to see in our lives.
Yeah, and I think it brings up upon this bigger picture, right? , it's bigger [00:10:00] than just. We get stuck in the day to day, right? I'm so busy. I'm so important as a principal. That was my thing, , and my superintendent loved to tell me you're not that important. Like your family is more important.
Your health is more important because you can be replaced as a principal tomorrow. Right? And I know some people hate hearing that because we want to think about how important we are, but it's true. You're right. There is, there's more to it. There's this bigger picture that I think we have to look at to have this true balance of how we look at ourself and how we look at our profession, because otherwise our profession can become everything.
I love it that you said that, because, I have a chapter on legacy and there's two things that I always like to pull out when I'm talking to people about. How do you want your Impact to be remembered. How do you want people to remember the influence you've made in their lives? Um, and I always say, and a lot of times I'll do this when I'm meeting with leaders, I'll say, I'm going to tell you two things that sound contradictory.
And the [00:11:00] first statement is going to sound unkind. And it's exactly what you just said, Barb. I'll say, you are not as important as you think you are. Yeah, someday the school is going to exist without you. People are going to walk down the hallway and there may be a picture on the wall of your staff and they're going to look and not know who that was.
, so as much as you feel like this place can't run without me, someday it will. And then the second truth. Which is going to sound contradictory, but it's just as important as you are way more important than you think you are. Yeah, that you deserve to be, to take care of yourself. But you also, , you're also probably making a bigger influence and bigger impact than you realize every single day.
And just the. Presence that you have, the attention that you give others, the kindness that you show, the ability to encourage someone when they're down. And so don't discount , the importance of the influence that you're making either, but keep it all in perspective, which I think is so important.
So for me, that perspective is the humility of [00:12:00] recognizing that this work's going to go on without me, but then also the presence to, man, give it your best when you're there in the moment. Yeah, I love that. That's such a great perspective because you're right. Both sides are equally important. Yeah.
Isn't that funny though? And I find this in leadership too, Barb, that , and this happens in education. It seems like we kind of swing the pendulum one direction or the other. And I've discovered, I don't quite know how to say this, Out loud because it sounds weird, but I like to call it the third way. Or sometimes I like to call it the way of wisdom, but that sounds like I'm a monk or something.
, but I'll give you an example. I'm reading a book by David Yeager, who's going to be a guest on my podcast called 10 to 25, the science of motivating young people. And it's a great book, highly recommend it. , and he talks about how the pendulum in education is. teaching or leadership is on the one extreme.
You've got [00:13:00] enforcers, people that are like, give me the rules, give me the processes. This is the way it's going to be done my way or the highway. And then on the other extreme, you have protectors, which are people that are like, you belong here. I want you to feel safe. I want you to feel loved.
Everything's going to be okay. This you're, relationship is what this is all about. And what you find happening is that , if you only emphasize the perspective of an enforcer, students do not respect you because they don't feel liked or loved. And they usually can't stand being in that kind of classroom because there's never a sense of trust.
The standards are really high, but there's no support. But then on the other extreme, If an educator is only a protector, then students don't respect them either because there's no standard. There's , you're not pushing me, you're not asking me to grow, you're not holding me accountable, you're just trying to keep everybody happy.
And so it's the third way. That actually is where the magic happens, because you take both of those roles and you combine them together, and David [00:14:00] Yeager calls it, , the mindset of a mentor, which is how do you step into a situation where you have high standards, but you also have high support? Both can be true at the same time.
And , I just feel like so many of the conversations we have, people are really pushing one way or the other, when the answer is usually somewhere in the middle. Yeah, and I think that kind of goes with what my mission is when I became a life coach. And one thing I want to help principals with, and I think your book is doing this, when we talk about taking care of yourself, it doesn't have to be, I take care of myself.
And so I'm not a great principal because I'm not working 60 hours a week or I'm working 60 hours a week. I don't take care of myself. So I'm this amazing principal. There's both, right? There can be both where you are this person who focuses on your personal development, your professional development, you meet in the middle.
And you have this work life balance where you can set boundaries and spend time with your family and have time for yourself and, [00:15:00] but also be a great principal. Yeah, I call that avoiding the binary. And, , in fact, I'm going to give credit to my, , my nephew. He won't mind me saying his name. His name is Aaron Fulbright.
He actually does all the tech support for my website. Then, uh, Emily, my oldest daughter actually does all my podcast editing and she's actually my executive assistant now for principal matters. And it's so much fun learning from young people because Aaron and I were talking one day about some hard choice, , that we were both trying to figure out.
And he said, uncle, well, you realize it. It's not always a binary choice. It doesn't always have to be between A and B. There actually may be a C or D or an E and I was like, Oh, what a great way. What? I was like, I'm stealing that because I want to bring it to leaders because they're just like you said, it doesn't have to be a choice between taking care of you taking care of your school.
It's more complex than that. It's that , when you actually take a step back and you recognize, let me just give you an example. , when I was transitioning from assistant principal to high school principal, my, , [00:16:00] my principal at the time told me in May, right before graduation, that when we had that ceremony, she was going to clean out her office and be gone.
And I would be responsible to close out the rest of the year, get all the. Staff checked out, do all of the end of the year reports, and anyone that was being hired and brought in was going to be my responsibility, including my position, because I was going to be replacing myself as an AP, and I remember waking up the day after graduation, just, I couldn't sleep, I was so stressed, I was thinking about the 25 things that day that had to be done, and you know what I did instead of jumping up to work, Barb?
I put on my running shoes, and my shorts, and my t shirt, and I went out for a run. Yeah. I knew that if I started the day first, just taking care of my health and getting some of that energy out , and just starting the day off, conquering something that was going to be a part of my self care commitment that, that I would be in the mindset that I would need , to really take on , that task.
But even as I [00:17:00] was running that morning, I was ruminating and thinking through the day. And I actually remember asking myself this question about halfway through the What have I done? In the past, whenever I feel this overwhelmed to help me get through and I actually came up with a couple of things and I was like, well, one, I've humbled myself and ask for help to I usually will compile all those to do's into a place where I can look at them and begin to and then I just take them one at a time, not try to do it all just one at a time.
And so when I got home from my run and I got to work, I pulled my team together and I asked for help. I admit it, I felt overwhelmed. We sat down and made this big Google Doc of all the things that had to be done, and we shared them out. I could do this, you could do this, you could do this. , and Barbara, it was so amazing how much more we got accomplished together through , that season.
But I'm just using that as an example, because. I had a choice to make my leader. I'm going to take care of myself. And guess what? Taking care of myself to help me be the [00:18:00] better. Yeah. And as you're talking, I'm thinking about that is what energized you right in a good way, having that run. I think sometimes, and I used to have this thought about exercise.
If I exercise first thing, like I'm going to be so tired and all this stuff, but really, once you make it a habit, it's the thing that energizes you that then builds more energy throughout the day. When you take care of yourself, whether it's. through running or doing thought work or reading personal development, those things give you the energy to keep going.
Oh, that's so true. I, this, just this morning, we're recording this, , at the end of August and I got up early. I have a full pack day. Um, you're one of , many conversations I'm going to have today, and then I got to do some traveling, but I started off , this morning on my bike cycling, because I knew it was going to be a big day.
So I needed the energy to do a good day. So you don't have to trade one for the other. They can compliment each other. So what's one, specific strategy you can [00:19:00] share from the book that people might find helpful? Well, I know I just gave some specific strategies on, taking care of your physical fitness.
One of the things that I do in that regard, and this is something I had to do all the way back when I told you that story about my hard conversation with my wife, , I have to schedule the things I'm going to prioritize and I have to take really practical steps to do that. So I'm not suggesting this works for everyone else.
Because what Fits for me, may not fit for someone else, but one of the things I do is I set out my workout clothes before I go to bed. So when I wake up and I'm foggy and I, , I'm just stumbling around, I don't waste 10 or 15 minutes trying to find my stuff so I could actually go out and work out.
And so it's just immediately there. I could just get it on and then I can go and start my morning. So I do the same thing in my work too, where I'll set a lot of things out in advance so that I can step into it and it's already. Ready for me. I'll give you another tip on, , this is [00:20:00] funny because I was looking at someone else's blog this morning that was giving tips on health and wellness and I was thinking about how, as a principal.
It was for some reason, maybe this isn't everyone's experience, but it seemed like the main office was where everyone wanted to come bring their treats or are their leftovers stuff, I would find myself grazing, you know, all day long. Yes, it's still horrible because you have all this junk in you and or a kid would bring me a treat that they made just for me.
Right? So I had this little trick that probably would make my grandparents roll over. , in there, um, God, bless them in their graves, but because they've lived through the great depression and they would never do this, but I had this little trick that when someone would bring a treat or whatever, and I wanted to be polite.
, if I wasn't, I'm not allergic to anything that I know. So I would just say, Oh, thank you so much. And I would take a bite and set it down on my desk. And when they left, I would usually just throw the rest of the way, because I know that I know people, depending on their cultures, , I Just can't imagine, um, throwing food away.
But what I [00:21:00] discovered is that, , for me, out of sight is out of mind. So I've either got to throw it in the trash, , or give that tray to someone else. , because for me, what I've decided is I can enjoy the moment. , this can happen not just in the moment like that, but even when you're on holiday or when you're enjoying a party or you're enjoying a dessert, you can really savor something in a bite or two without letting it.
put you in a state of, of paralysis later because you've had so much sugar. And so I've had to do that, Barb, because for me, , I have a family history of heart disease and high cholesterol. And so I just don't really watch those things. , and so , that's, those are just a couple of tips from things that have helped me , in those regards.
I think that's a great point because outside of my office, they would have, there was like a countertop and a sink and they would put all these treats there. And I'm a stress eater. So if a situation happened and then there's donuts or something. So I would either say, okay, did everybody try one? I'm going to move [00:22:00] these to another area.
Because I couldn't have them there. And I had to just tell everybody around, , I cannot have these here because every time I leave my office and I feel this sense of overwhelm or stress, I'm going to be eating that treat, whatever it is. And then I'm going to gain weight. I'm going to feel terrible about myself.
And then that's a whole nother cycle of, , my mental health that I'm messing with. It all works. And it's the same thing with your mind. ,, My show principle matters. , and an author of a lot of great books on school leadership. Jim likes to say that we live in a culture that's addicted to outrage.
And so you think about what's the diet that you're placing to your mind? How often do we open up our social media or open or turn on the news? And we're just sucking in all this information that, , several minutes later, we're, why am I so stressed? Why I'm so anxious? Why I'm so upset? Why am I so?
And so my question is , What are what's on your playlist? What's on your mental playlist? What are you allowing yourself to think about and listen [00:23:00] to and read or turn off so that the majority of what is coming into your mind is something that's gonna help you grow or something that's gonna help you improve.
You've got enough challenges to manage. Just in the work that you do. , and so what's going to feed you that gives you a positive outlook on the work that you're going to be and that doesn't mean ignoring reality. I have just again as a trick. I limit my news intake. So usually. Once or twice a day, I'll do a quick check just on headlines.
Usually I'll lean into something like, , just headline news from the BBC or NPR, , or sometimes , I'll choose other news outlets just to get , some different perspectives, but it is a quick check and then I'm done. Because I've just found that I don't even watch news anymore, Mark, because just the visual parts of it usually , are distracting or I have to put up with commercials.
So even something like that, and I know, , my personality may not be the same as other people that don't really want to, , regiment [00:24:00] what I eat, what I think, and, I'm not suggesting that my self disciplined habits should be whatever the people, Adapt, I'm just asking you to consider when is the last time you've reflected on that piece of you?
So I do this little thing at the end of every year. Um, here's a free resource. , Michael Hyatt has a free resource called the Life Score Assessment. , and you can go on his website, um, michael hyatt.com and look at the life score assessment. And I do this usually in November or December of every year.
And it takes. 10 categories, which are very similar to what I impact in my book. Not exactly the same, but similar categories and has you read statements and determine on a scale from 1 to 10 where you would rank yourself in terms of that kind of statement. , for instance, it might have a statement that says.
, my Children trust me enough to tell me their deepest secrets. Where would you rank yourself on a 1 to 10? Well, I do this little survey every year and then I actually look at those scores [00:25:00] and then that helps me see, man, I have not been spending enough time with my kids. How am I going to actually prioritize in my schedule time to spend with them so that we have a deeper, more intimate relationship this year.
I did that back when my girls were all teenagers because I realized I was not answering that question with a high score. So we set up every single week on my schedule, even though I was crazy busy, one time a week where we could, right after school, I could take a different one of them to grab a drink, a coffee, Coke, or just take a drive together or something.
, where we had just us time, even if it's just 10 minutes. So I can say, how are you really doing? And they could ask me questions and that builds up over the year. And with four kids, that's hard to do, but I made a commitment that year to just do that as many times as we can make it happen.
And I remember my third daughter, Katie was probably a I don't know what grade she was in that year, eight or nine, but she, at the end of that year, she said to me one day, Hey dad, you know, that thing you're doing the week. Good job. [00:26:00] She noticed. But I wouldn't have even known to do that if I hadn't taken the time to reflect on where am I?
And , so , I don't want anyone to listen to this conversation to feel like, oh man, let me beat myself up or I don't measure up or, , I'm not like you. I'm just inviting you to at least. So I in this conversation or at some point in your school year to just take a moment to sit down and just reflect on okay, how am I doing in these in the areas of my life that make up who I am as a person or as a professional and then giving yourself permission to prioritize.
those areas of your life before you start building out the schedule for everything else you're going to be doing next year. So that's been some helpful practices for me, Barb. Yeah. I really love that because it does help you be more intentional. And like you said, everybody's different with the things that they need to focus on. , but I do think there's such a huge, um, Relationship between your health and how you're [00:27:00] handling school stuff. So I think reflecting on all of it is a great practice. And I will link that, , in the show notes, that assessment. Cause now I'm like, Ooh, I want to go on and take that. I think that's a great resource and helpful for me.
, thank you. Well,, so much for being on here today. It was great having you on the podcast. So tell everyone how they can find you if they want to hear your podcast, reach out to you and learn more. Well, I have a free newsletter that I do every week. I share content like you do Barb. So if anyone wants to connect with me, you can go to my website, which is my name, WilliamDParker.
com and there you will find, , access to my podcast. You can subscribe for the newsletter. I also do a lot of work with school leaders. Across the U. S. With grow academies and masterminds and executive coaching. , I've come to , many schools and presented on that book possibly flourish, not just with leaders, but also sometimes with their entire staff, just because they want them to reflect on where they want to, , protect [00:28:00] themselves, , and take care of themselves as they're taking care of.
of others. But Barb, thank you. I'm so proud of your work and I know that your listeners are, every single time they listen to you, gaining wisdom for the hard work they do. So thank you for doing what matters. Well, thank you.
Mhm. Mhm.