The Principal's Handbook

From Self-Doubt to Confidence for Principals

Speaker 3: [00:00:00] Welcome to The Principal's Handbook, your go-to resource for principals looking to revamp their leadership approach and prioritize self-care. I'm Barb Flowers, a certified life coach with eight years of experience as an elementary principal. Tune in each week as we delve into strategies for boosting mental resilience, managing time effectively, and nurturing overall wellness.

From tackling daily challenges to maintaining a healthy work-life balance, we'll navigate the complexities of school leadership together. Join me in fostering your sense of purpose as a principal and reigniting your passion for the job. Welcome to a podcast where your well-being is the top priority

Speaker: Welcome to the podcast. Today what I have for you is I'm actually sharing a recording of a free workshop that I have called From Self-Doubt to Confidence, and this is a workshop that I've had for a while, but I just redid. It's free. You can watch the video, and I have a workbook to go along with it, but I [00:01:00] thought I'm gonna do it as a podcast episode too, so if you don't have time to watch the video, you can always listen to it.

But I'm going to put the link in the show notes so that you're able to access the video recording and the workbook as well. So make sure to check that out. I think this is gonna be really helpful for you If you find yourself as a principal doubting decisions, overthinking things and just really finding that you are lacking confidence in some of the things that you do as a principal, and that's what we're going to be talking about in this workshop.

And I think that you're going to find it very helpful because a lot of times I see that principals are struggling with confidence, but maybe you don't even realize it. And so that's what we're going to be talking about in the workshop. We're gonna talk about what self-doubt is, how that shows up for principals, and then I'm going to give you my ACT method and talk you through how to use that and how you'll be able to use that to actually change your thinking.

Again, stay tuned. You can watch this workshop if you wanna watch the video or just [00:02:00] listen to the podcast, download the workbook later. But I would love to hear your thoughts on it. , Feel free to message me at barb@barbflowerscoaching.com to share where self-doubt shows up for you and how you found this episode helpful.

Enjoy the workshop

Speaker 2: welcome to the workshop. Today we are talking about from self-doubt to confident leadership. So this is to help you stop second-guessing yourself and lead with clarity So I wanna start by talking about self-doubt, so how self-doubt shows up as a principal. So a lot of times what I see with principals that happens is they replay conversations after they happen.

Maybe they had a difficult conversation with a teacher or a parent, and they continue to ruminate on the conversation and they replay it. Or they have a discipline decision they have to make and they wonder if they made the right decision. , You look for reassurance before making decisions is another way I see with self-doubt.

A lot of times what I see with principals is they'll talk to a lot of teachers and different people in the building to kinda get [00:03:00] everybody on their side with the decision that they make. Another way I see self-doubt show up is principals compare themselves to other principals, which can be really hard with social media, but you see everybody's highlight reels as a principal and you start to compare yourself.

And then self-doubt also shows up when you start to avoid difficult conversations because you're afraid of getting it wrong, you're afraid of doing it wrong. And so it's so easy for self-doubt to show up as a leader because you are dealing with so many different stakeholders. You have parents, you have teachers, you have students.

So you have three groups of people that somebody's not gonna be happy with the decision that you made, and it's going to cause people to be upset with you. And so if you don't have strong confidence, self-doubt can really show up and start to mess with your mindset. And so it's really important to notice when self-doubt shows up.

So I just wanna start by talking about when I was a new assistant principal, I really struggled [00:04:00] with self-doubt, and the biggest area I would say that I struggled with self-doubt was discipline. Because I was in a building where we were focused on PBIS. It was a newer thing, and, , it was newer for teachers.

It was a newer mindset. So I was trying to get away from suspending all the time, and teachers wanted me to suspend. So I had teachers who were upset if a situation happened. They felt that the student should be suspended and they might push back. And when a teacher pushed back and I was a new young administrator, I would start to doubt my decision.

I would start to think, "Well, maybe they're right. Maybe I should have sent this student home," or, "Maybe I should have done something different." And so when people were upset, when teachers were upset with this, I would start to doubt myself. Then I had situations happen where I would make a discipline decision and parents would be mad.

Maybe they didn't feel that I gave a harsh enough consequence. I had that a couple of times, but most of the time they felt like a lunch detention was too harsh for elementary kids. And [00:05:00] so that was something that I would get pushback on, and a parent would say, "Well, my kid doesn't deserve a detention."

And so they would push back, and then I would start to doubt myself because I didn't have the confidence that, yes, this is an appropriate consequence for this student in this situation. And so that really Made it difficult to lead because I was going home all the time ruminating on conversations, thinking about, "Did I do it correctly?"

So I just want to tell you as we go into this that confidence is a skill. So if this is you, if you can relate to my story, just know that confidence is a skill. You can work on getting rid of that self-doubt. You can work on eliminating it and focus on being confident. Sometimes we see people who are outgoing and they talk to people and things just seem easier for them, and we think that confidence comes natural, and it really, it does for some people, but it's, it's a skill that you develop over time.

And a lot of times confidence comes from [00:06:00] knowing that either you're going to be able to figure it out or you know how to do something. So when you are dealing with these situations, it can be really hard because you have people pushing back, and when people push back constantly, that can start to make you doubt your decisions, okay?

So as we go into this, I just want you to think about that and know that confidence is a skill. You're going to get there, and we're going to continue to work on this together All right. So I have a confidence framework that I call the ACT framework. So when we're trying to build confidence, it's important to be, uh, that we become aware.

So the first step here is awareness. You have to become aware of the thoughts that are causing the doubts. So like I said, I had thoughts that maybe I made the wrong decision with discipline because the parent pushed back, or maybe I made the wrong decision with discipline because the teacher was upset that it wasn't enough.

Okay, so I knew that I had these thoughts that were causing my self-doubt because, um, I'm not gonna get too much into this, but your thoughts [00:07:00] create your emotions, which create your actions. And so thoughts are the root of how you feel. And so I knew that there were these negative thoughts of self-doubt that were causing me to feel less confident, causing me to feel that doubt.

So you first have to become aware of what are those thoughts. Then you have to dig into the cause. So what is causing the doubt? Then you have to T, talk back. So talk back to the doubt you're facing, and that's what we're gonna be talking about in this little workshop. So first, I just wanna point out that this workshop comes with a workbook.

So go through the workbook. It's really great to actually walk through examples. , I have an example here in the workbook, but take time and become aware for yourself. , What are those things that cause you self-doubt? So I, you know, have in here the example I'm talking about. "I doubt myself when I make decisions about student discipline.

The cause, I'm worried parents will disagree because parents have pushed back on previous [00:08:00] discipline decisions," and I have to talk back. "I make fair decisions based on the information I have. Not everyone will agree, and that's okay." So that's me talking back to that self-doubt. So you are going to do the same.

So it's really helpful. You can have the workbook during this time that we go through. You could do it after. But this is a reflection piece that's really going to help you change your mindset. So I encourage you to print this workbook or even do it on a Google Doc if you want. But focus on going through these three steps, the ACT method, so that you're able to really become aware and to change, , those thoughts that are causing self-doubt So first, awareness.

So where do you consistently lose confidence? So I want you to really take some time and think about what that is. Is it parent conversations? Is it keeping teachers accountable? You feel like you're being too harsh if you hold them accountable. Is it student discipline? , Instructional leadership, staff conflict.

A lot of these... Like instructional leadership, for me, I [00:09:00] always felt super confident in this, but it makes sense if you think about it because I came out of the classroom, so I had strong knowledge in instruction, but I hadn't dealt with staff conflict as a new principal. And so for me, I was really worried about that.

Or I hadn't really had to hold people accountable, so that was something that was new for me. So I want you to think about what are those areas in leadership that you consistently lose confidence. So it's not just one time, but over and over, what's the thing that holds you back, that you feel like causes you stress, that you feel like, um, makes you feel like you're not a good principal?

So really dig into that. Become aware, take some time to journal about that, and figure out what that is for you. Then you wanna get to the cause. So there's three reasons that you could be having self-doubt. So skill gap, which I just talked about. You know, if you're a new principal, I've never done this before.

Like I never handled staff conflict before. So of course, [00:10:00] I knew that I had a skill gap there, which made me feel less confident and had some doubt there. Another one could be fear. Like what if people disagree? What if people don't like my decision? So it's that fear, talking back to you. And then another one is identity.

So it's really how you see yourself. What if you think that you're not good enough? , What if you don't know enough? , That's a huge piece is that fear

So that's something I want you to think about. So again, I want you to think about the cause. Is it a skill gap, a fear, an identity? Because if it's a skill gap, you can just work on that skill, and the more you do it, the better you're going to feel. But if it's truly, , fear, then you can work on the thoughts of fear and what's gonna not have you feel so scared of it.

If it's identity, you can work on how you see yourself. , Think about your 1.0 self, who you are now, and your 2.0 self, who is the person that you're becoming, 'cause your identity is all based [00:11:00] on your thoughts, which again creates your emotions and creates your action. So constantly thinking about is it a skill gap, a fear, or identity.

All right, and the third step, if you remember, we're talking back to the doubt. So I'm giving you three tools to talk back. So the first tool I like, I call fact or fiction. So in your little workbook, you could use any of these tools, , to think about, but the first one is fact or fiction. So challenge self-doubt by determining is the thought a fact or is it fiction?

And normally that thought is fiction, and how I figure out if it's fiction is I use previous situations to debunk the fictional thought you're telling yourself. So what evidence do I have that I'm capable? So for example, for a long time I told myself I'm h- I'm not good at hard conversations, and honestly, what I could think of a lot of situations that maybe I didn't do the best hard conversation.

But to debunk it, what I wanted to do instead is think about when I did have to [00:12:00] have tough conversations and I was able to do that with clarity and confidence. Like I could think of one or two situations, write it out, and have that evidence. So then whenever I needed to go into a tough conversation, I would go back to that situation that I actually handled it well.

So find that evidence to debunk that fictional thought and just focus on that. You can always find evidence for the good or the bad, so you really wanna find evidence that supports what you're trying to think instead of what you're trying to not think anymore. So find that evidence that you are capable.

The second tool to talk back to the doubt is use a trusted colleague. If you have somebody that you're really close with, share your doubts with that trusted colleague who can provide feedback, , for example, with that hard conversations, I could have had a conversation with a colleague or if there was something else that I had doubt with, , a lot of times I did this with discipline.

I would talk to my principal and Just get her thoughts on how I handled it and ask for feedback, and [00:13:00] sharing those doubts with her, she would tell a story about how she handled things and times that she struggled with self-doubt, and it really helped me. , Using trusted colleagues is another tool.

And then a third tool is using positive self-talk and affirmation. So again, it goes with that T cycle I talked about, your thoughts create your emotions and actions. So if you can choose affirmations and power phrases that genuinely resonate with you. You can't have a power phrase like, "I'm the best principal ever," if you don't believe that, or, "I'm an amazing leader," if you don't believe that.

The most effective affirmations are ones that you can actually believe. So they might need to be a little bit more neutral. But whatever that is, you find affirmations that are good for you or power phrases, repeat them regularly before difficult conversations or you have to make an important decision to help you get over that self-doubt.

So the more, again, that you can find a power phrase, go back to that fact or fiction and find evidence for that, it's going to help you start to believe that power phrase, and [00:14:00] over time you are going to start to believe it, and then that can be the soundtrack in your head, not the negative self-doubt. So I have a few power phrases I'm going to share with you.

, "I thrive in challenging situations and always find a way to navigate them successfully." And I think this is so true with principals. I didn't realize this until I stepped away from being a principal for a year. I thrive on the busyness and the craziness of the job, and I did not realize that, but I do.

I thrive in challenging situations, even if I don't always like them. I've realized a strength of mine is solving problems, so I thrive in problem-solving situations. Those are all power phrases Every challenge I face is an opportunity to strengthen my skills and resilience. Another one, I was chosen for this role because of my unique strengths and abilities.

As a new assistant principal, I had to remember that all the time. I was chosen for this role. Even though I feel like I'm not ready or I don't know enough, I have to remember that I was picked out of a group of people who wanted to be assistant principals. They picked [00:15:00] me, and they believed in my unique strengths and abilities, so I need to believe in them too.

I confidently confront adversity knowing that every obstacle is an opportunity to grow. So when you have those obstacles, you're gonna grow. I'm a decisive leader who embraces challenges. I trust my leadership skills and know I have what it takes to succeed in any situation. So again, this is that idea that confidence is a skill.

You might not know how to do it now. It could be a skill gap with something you're trying to do. However, you know you have the confidence that you'll learn it. And then I have difficult conversations with confidence instead of avoiding them. And this was huge for me because I was, , had a lot of self-doubt about difficult conversations because I got feedback on that, , as an AP.

And so I just constantly had to tell myself, I just had that difficult conversation. I didn't avoid it. So every time I had the conversation, that was another example of evidence that I don't avoid hard conversations. And for me, it wasn't about having the [00:16:00] conversation perfectly. It was about being a person who doesn't avoid hard conversations.

And the more I practiced that and told myself that, the more confident I felt that now, I'm going into my 10th year in administration, and I feel very confident having those difficult conversations because I've just told myself that I can do them and I don't avoid them and it is what it is,

and so now I'm just like, I'm a person who has hard conversations and I just have the conversation. I don't overthink it. I don't stress about it. I just have the conversation that I need to have. So those are some power phrases that you can use. I really encourage you to look at those, find the ones that you resonate with, and then create your own.

Find some that you feel like would be good for you So that is the end of this workshop. But if you're looking for more support, if you haven't listened to my podcast, check out The Principal's Handbook. That's my podcast that every Tuesday I have new episodes, so there's a lot of great content on there.

We're over 160 episodes at this point. And then I [00:17:00] also have The Confident Principal Reset. I think this is a great course. It's just a quick action plan., I talk about the confidence framework. We have a quick action plan you can complete. , So this is a great course that you could do if you're looking for more support when it comes to confidence.

I will make sure that that is linked in the workbook so that you're able to get that. But make sure that you download the workbook. Make sure you take time to go through that because that's really going to help you, , just be able to actually take time to reflect on this, navigate it, and feel more confident over time because if you're not taking that time for reflection and becoming aware, awareness is really where the change happens.

So don't think that you don't need to take time to write your thoughts down and figure out what those areas are. And if you want more support one-on-one, I also do one-on-one coaching, , and I do have different programs coming up. You can always reach out to me at barb@barbflowerscoaching.com if you want more support or figure out, , what programs we have going on at that time.

So thank you for joining [00:18:00] us today. I hope you download that workbook and take some time to go through this