The Principal's Handbook

The Art of Releasing Control
[00:00:00] In today's episode, I wanna talk about the art of releasing control for principles. Stay tuned.
Welcome to the Principal's Handbook, your go-to resource for principals looking to revamp their leadership approach and prioritize self-care. I'm Barb Flowers, a certified life coach with eight years of experience as an elementary principal. Tune in each week as we delve into strategies for boosting mental resilience, managing time effectively, and nurturing overall wellness.
From tackling daily challenges to maintaining a healthy work life balance. We'll navigate the complexities of school leadership together. Join me in fostering your sense of purpose as a principal and reigniting your passion for the job. Welcome to a podcast where your wellbeing is the top priority.
Welcome back to the podcast. Today we are talking about the art of releasing control for principles, and I think this is a great topic because our natural instinct as humans is to [00:01:00] want to control situations, even if that's not your default personality.
I don't consider myself to be a controlling person, however, because I'm a leader and in a leadership role at work, I find myself wanting to control situations at home, , even more than I do at work. So I see this in all areas of life where it's easy to get caught up in focusing on the things that you can't control or wanting to control other people.
And it really is a double-edged sword in leadership because we have so many things we're in charge of, and it comes down to us at the end of the day if there's a problem. It's our fault. As leaders, we're always told we, , don't take credit when something goes well, but when something goes bad, it's always us that has to take responsibility, right?
And so we wanna control things because we are in charge of it, but we also have to empower others. We can't make people want to comply and control them into complying with us. That's not leadership, that's not influence, right? And so., , releasing control and leadership is such an [00:02:00] important thing.
And so I wanted to talk about this partially because I'm reading Mel Robbins book, which is so popular right now. , I love Mel Robbins. She has an amazing podcast and she came out with a book recently called the Let Them Theory. And I have been recommending this book to pretty much all of my coaching clients, my entire family, because it applies to all areas of life.
You can really use this in all areas of life. And since I've started using the Let Them Theory, I. Have really given up a sense of control that I often feel, like I said, more times at home with husband and kids and those types of situations than at work, but it can be used in every situation. So that's what we're talking about today.
. And where I found myself that I had to learn to release control as a principal was as a new principal. I wanted to do everything and not necessarily from the stance of being in control, but I felt like I was helping if I did all the things instead of empowering other people to do them. And even though I didn't.
Feel like I was being controlling by me [00:03:00] doing everything, I was controlling every situation, and I wasn't giving other people that leadership and empowering them to lead others. I was doing all of the work of the department heads and not because they weren't capable, not because they didn't want to, but because I felt like that's what I should be doing.
And it wasn't until a teacher said. I get paid to be a department head. I actually want to lead that. I realize I was stepping on her toes and I wasn't letting her lead. And so that was a huge shift for me was realizing that people want that leadership, right? They want to take ownership of something and I have to let go and not control that situation.
So one reason we struggle with releasing control, it really can be for people in anxiety. Based reaction, right? Your need to take charge because you're worried about the future. You have that anxiety. What's gonna happen? Oh my goodness, I'm so worried about this. And so you want to take charge. , you could [00:04:00] also struggle with being in control because you're a perfectionist, right?
And you want it to be perfect and nobody else is going to do it like you do it. So you have to control the situation. You have to do everything. It's also that fear of failure, right? You want it to be a certain way. Also, there's a lot of people that believe that controlling the outcomes is what an effective leader does.
And I really learned this when I was an assistant principal. My principal I worked with was so great at delegating, and she told me sometimes I. We watch teachers make the decision that we don't want them to make, but they need to make that decision to learn. And I thought that was such a good point because, you want to stop people from failure.
You want to help them make that effective choice. But sometimes we have to let people fail. That is effective leadership, that is letting them learn from their mistakes. And also we often, , try to control things because we want that certainty. Like I said, we want to know. What is going to happen? And if we have control, [00:05:00] we feel like we know that, , more than if other people have control.
So I wanna share some common thought patterns that you might have if you are focused on control. , so maybe of the thoughts you are either in control or out of control, right? If you're not in control, then you're out of control. , you might have the thought. If I work hard enough, I can and should control situations to go my way.
Or you could have the thought, others want and need me to take control. I'm doing them a favor and often. Often when you are in a situation where you are taking control all the time, people just let you do it because they become used to you doing it. And they just say, okay, they're gonna do it anyways.
We'll let them do it. And so that also happens. And so then you get so used to people letting you take control that you just keep doing that. , so here's some physical and emotional signs I want you to think of if you're like, okay, am I controlling? Do I have controlling behaviors? If you find that you are doing everything.
Not your [00:06:00] staff. If you don't have staff that , you're delegating to that are, , taking over committees that are helping you, then you're probably too much in control. If you have people that come to you to solve every problem they have and they don't try to solve any problem on their own, then you're probably in control.
Or if you're a new principal, maybe you're taking over a building where the principal has always had this high level of control. So you have to train your staff and empower them. Um, also if you find yourself super frustrated because you're trying to control things you have no control over. So if you're very frustrated with state initiatives or district initiatives that you might have no control over.
Then you have to realize that's an area that you need to release control, and if you have unrealistic expectations, right? That's where a lot of times we get frustrated is when there's a misalignment of expectations. And so if you feel like you have this misalignment of expectations of what you want done in every situation.
[00:07:00] And that can't happen, then that could be an issue of control. So I really want you to think and reflect on recent situations where you might have overstepped boundaries of control, where you might not delegate enough, or you just find yourself wanting to control every situation. So take a minute to think about that and where you might see that in your leadership.
And I also want you to think about what is the cost of having the success of control? Because if you are someone who's always been in control of your building, where you feel like you need to control the situation, you think it's a good thing. I'm a leader, I'm controlling everything. I'm taking action.
I'm decisive, I get things done. Having control can be a positive thing, but over time it really has an impact on your leadership effectiveness, because people don't wanna work for someone who controls every single situation. It has an effect on your teacher's autonomy because they might be afraid to make decisions because you need to control every situation.
They might be [00:08:00] afraid to be creative and try new things, or really grow professionally because if you're controlling everything, then they're not having that. Opportunity for leadership growth. It also can damage relationships with the staff, parents and students because they're just used to you telling them exactly what to do, and then there's a personal cost that you're gonna , feel burnt out, you're gonna feel stressed.
It diminishes your job satisfaction. Like I said, that principal that I worked with who knew how to delegate. She had such great work life balance because she delegated to others, she empowered others, where if you're constantly in control, those are, that means you're gonna be working all the time because you have to do everything.
So it really is gonna have a personal cost to you. So now I wanna talk about the Let Them Theory as it applies to you as an educational leader. So, first, the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, it really is this idea of acknowledging what others will do, even if it's not your preference, even it is if it's not what you [00:09:00] want.
That's okay. You're going to let them, because people are people, they're going to make decisions that you don't want them to make. But then the empowering part is the, let me, this is where you get to focus on your empowered response of what you can control in the situation. So I wanted to give you some examples.
So let's think about curriculum, right? If you have teachers that are supposed to teach a certain way or teach according to the curriculum, and they don't wanna do it. You say, let them teach the lesson differently than the provided curriculum. Let me offer support and resources to them without forcing compliance.
So the more you force it on them, the more they're gonna push back and not do the curriculum that they're gonna, that they're supposed to do. But the more you just let them and focus on what you can control, which you can control, the support you give them, the training, the pd, the resources, those things are all important , and if you provide those things and [00:10:00] give the support and really listen to the teachers , that's going to create the change.
Also, if you think about parent interactions, right? Let them misunderstand a procedure. This is a huge frustration, like I'm thinking of car riders, right? You'd have parents driving kids off at the car rider line, and they might not follow the procedure expectation, so let them misunderstand that procedure, but then let me have a respectful conversation to clarify the procedure, and this is what they need to do.
Okay? So instead of getting frustrated, which I'm so guilty of this, like why can't they follow the procedures? Just have a conversation with them. Focus on what you can control and move on. Also, , thinking about teacher development, if they're struggling with a new teaching strategy, let them struggle.
It's okay if they struggle, but let me provide the professional development and mentorship that they need without taking over. If you think about student behavior, I used to [00:11:00] get so frustrated when we had a ton of behaviors like, what's going on? Why are kids making these choices? But at the end of the day, they're kids.
They're going to make bad choices. That's what kids do. They're learning. That's why we're there as adults in the building. So let them make poor choices sometimes and let me implement consistent, fair consequences with authority. Okay, so give up that, release, that control. We can teach expectations. We can do everything in our power to make things better, but at the end of the day, we can't control if a student makes a bad decision that you then have to discipline for.
So let me implement consistent, fair consequences.
Another way I see this a lot in staff is you have to let them be emotional or let them be upset. If you make a choice that they don't like, that's okay.
Let them be upset. Let me make the choice that's best for the building. That's another way to think about it. You're always going to have those teachers that are upset and you just have to let them be. Okay, [00:12:00] so thinking about that with the Let Them Theory as well. So I really want you to focus on what is in your actual true sphere of influence and of control, because a lot of times what happens is.
There are things completely out of our control that we focus on, and it takes a lot of our energy and it's just not worth it. So there's your inner circle, the things you have direct control of, which is your actions, your responses to others, your professional development, , the way you treat others, that is in your direct control.
Your middle circle, your influence is your school culture, your communication, your leadership approach, right? You can influence, but you do not have direct control. And then your outer circle things you can have concerns about. But you don't have control. District mandates, state mandates, parent beliefs, societal issues, and we see that so much in school where societal issues come into the school and [00:13:00] we get upset, which makes complete sense.
But at the end of the day, I. We have no control over those societal issues. And you have to know what is a societal issue that , you can't control, you can't fix. You do the best within your control. You know, a lot of times if you think about parents, we complain about how they parent. , I would never parent my kids that way, or They should be doing this.
Let them parent the way they're going to parent. Let me set up these systems in my school to support kids. Okay? So really thinking about what you can control, where can you spend your energy? And if you spend your energy on the things that you have direct control over, your actions, your responses, your development, that is going to lead to more effective leadership.
, so again, I just wanna remind you. Let them and let me. So you wanna let people, people, and do the things they're gonna do, and you wanna let me and focus on what you have direct control over. What are the things that you can control? What are your [00:14:00] responses that you can control? How can you react in a way that you're proud of that leads the building well?
So just a couple more examples. If your teachers are frustrated, let them express frustration in the staff meeting. Let me listen actively and address concerns constructively. , let teachers disagree with my decision. Let them, let me explain my reasoning. Clearly. Remain open to feedback and be consistent.
Okay? So you're always going to have these things happen that are frustrating, that might upset you, but you have to let them, you have to let them, you have to give up control. And then let me focus on the things that you can do in your direct influence. So I encourage you if you, . I encourage you to listen to the Let Them Theory book, get the audible book or read the book.
It's such a great read and you can apply it to all areas of your life. She has chapters about parenting. , just a lot of things that I think can be beneficial in all areas of your life. But think about where you need to release control or [00:15:00] where you have misaligned expectations, right? Where are the things that you can actually influence?
And where are the things that you just need to release? So I really challenge you as you listen to this, to practice one, let them, and let me pairing, think of one of the examples I gave, or think of an area in your life that you're just struggling to give up control and struggling , with your staff.
And if you try any of these, I'd love to hear about them. Send me a message. Find me on Instagram, Dr. Barb Flowers. If you love the show, if you're listing on Apple, , scroll down in your app and leave a review. Keep in mind you have the power to shape your life according to the mindset you choose. That's something in your control. I hope you have a great week, and I'll see you back here next time.