The Principal's Handbook

The Pressure to Be Perfect: Building Awareness Around Perfectionism in Leadership
[00:00:00] In today's episode, I want to talk about the pressure to be perfect as a principle. Stay tuned.
Welcome to the Principal's Handbook, your go-to resource for principals looking to revamp their leadership approach and prioritize self-care. I'm Barb Flowers, a certified life coach with eight years of experience as an elementary principal. Tune in each week as we delve into strategies for boosting mental resilience, managing time effectively, and nurturing overall wellness.
From tackling daily challenges to maintaining a healthy work life balance. We'll navigate the complexities of school leadership together. Join me in fostering your sense of purpose as a principal and reigniting your passion for the job. Welcome to a podcast where your wellbeing is the top priority.
Welcome back to the podcast. Today we are going to be talking about the pressure to be perfect as a principle and building awareness around perfectionism in leadership. And I thought this is a really important topic because as I coach principals, there are so many principals that [00:01:00] are.
Perfectionists and they really want to be perfect at what they do, and it makes a lot of sense, right? To become a principal, you to have been a really good teacher . That would then,
have you move up and continue to move up into leadership. And with that, a lot of times people are perfectionists. They want everything to be perfect. That's how they got where they are. They feel like they're really good at that, and making sure that the things that they do are really good. And as principals, we want people to know that we are competent, that we're good at our jobs, and we do a good job.
And so with that, a lot of times I see that pressure to be perfect, right? Because if you're not perfect, maybe people will think you're incompetent. Or if you're not perfect, maybe we'll, people will think you don't know what you're doing or you don't do a good job at what you're doing. And I also working in an elementary, worked with teachers who were.
So detail oriented. And I worked with so many teachers who were perfectionists. And it was interesting because I was never, I've [00:02:00] never really been a perfectionist or super detail oriented. And being a principal, they helped me so much become more detail oriented because they wanted details on every little thing.
, so it's really interesting how that can shift as a principal. But I just want you to think about, do you ever feel like nothing is ever quite good enough that you do your performance isn't good enough, your. Staff's performance isn't good enough. Maybe your systems aren't good enough. And I've been here more as a teacher where I was constantly changing things because I always felt like it's not good enough.
I'm not doing a good enough job. And I was comparing myself to others. I did this less as a principal. But if you notice yourself doing this, where you're just constantly changing things or you're constantly feeling like what you're doing. Is not good enough, then you might be a stickler, is what I call it.
, from positive intelligence. One of the coaching programs that I do and being a stickler is really as it sounds, it's a [00:03:00] form of perfectionism rooted in high standards and a need for control. And that's what happens a lot of times as a perfectionist is you find that you need control. And I just did a podcast episode a couple back about releasing control.
So go and listen to that one if you have. Not already, when we're a stickler and we want things to be perfect, it shows up where principles are obsessing over details. They want every single detail to be perfect. Maybe it's the spacing on a paper that they do, , or irritation when other people don't do things right.
Could be how teachers are teaching, or it could be how teachers do certain things if it's not done right. If you're a stickler or perfectionist, this can be a problem. Maybe you struggle to delegate because you want things done in a certain way and you want it to be perfect, or you have fear of making mistakes.
Maybe as you're doing work, you really. Believe you're going to make a mistake and you fear that you're worried about that, , that's where you're really struggling. I just wanna share [00:04:00] a couple common stickler thoughts and feelings.
So a thought is if I can't do it perfectly, I shouldn't do it at all. So think about this. Have you ever had that thought, if I can't do it perfectly, I shouldn't do it at all? Which if you have that thought, , it leads to negative emotions and negative actions. No one else will do this the right way.
You're thinking, no one else will do this the right way. You're not going to delegate. Maybe you feel tension, frustration, suppressed anger because things don't feel good enough. And if you're in a new building that you haven't been in and you're a perfectionist, that can, this can be really hard because things aren't done.
The way that you would do them, right? You're coming into somebody else's building that they've been leading, and it takes a while for things to change. And so this is where you need to take a breath and know that as a leader, nothing is going to ever be perfect. So we're gonna talk about where this comes from.
So the stickler is a saboteur that we talk about in positive intelligence coaching. And , I'll put a link in the show [00:05:00] notes. There's an assessment you can do. There's 10 saboteurs, , that you can take an assessment and see which saboteurs you have. , all of the saboteurs that you can take the assessment on actually come from your childhood.
So all of these saboteurs you can probably trace back. , clear back till even up to the age of five, go back that far until you were five years old and you can see how these saboteurs might've helped you survive or have been a coping mechanism. So really a saboteur is something that's a strength of yours that you then overuse into a weakness.
, for example, mine is people pleaser, , which is a strength because I can get people to like me, I can build relationships. But obviously it's a weakness when I'm making decisions, trying to please others. , so we'll do a podcast episode and talk about people pleasing because that's a whole nother thing, but it's just this idea, right?
That we've done this as a form of survival or a way to cope, and so you're always trying to earn approval and a sticklers trying to earn approval from [00:06:00] maybe being the responsible one, the fixer. So if you think about your childhood. Was this you, that you had to be the responsible kid and had to fix things, , and it doesn't mean because you have these saboteurs that you had a bad childhood or you even faced trauma.
There's nothing we can do as parents to stop our kids from having these saboteurs. They're going to come, I already see them happening in my kids that are 10 and eight. And I've seen them for years, so it's not even a newer thing for them. But I can see perfectionism coming out. I can see people pleasing coming out.
? And if you have kids, you probably can see that as well. And it's just your way as a child to cope with things, and then you take that into your life moving forward. But as adults, it's really important that we know what these saboteurs are , and we know how to help ourselves with them, how to reframe them, and, really how to not let them impact our relationships, performance and time management at work.
And so that's what we're talking about with this. But with the stickler. That really does come from being the child that has to take [00:07:00] responsibility being the fixer. , so it could be that you're an oldest child or like I was the middle child, but always treated as the oldest. So who knows what that looks like for you.
But you can think about where that came from and what happens. The cost of perfectionism and being a stickler is it takes a huge internal toll on you. It's a lot of emotional work to be a stickler. And really we do this to protect ourselves. It's our amygdala. Our fight or flight in our brain is just trying to protect us by if I fix this or if I take control of this, if I make sure it's perfect, then , everything's going to be okay.
I'll be safe. And what happens with that? It takes this internal and emotional toll on us where you're gonna have chronic stress, you're going to have burnout. You're never going to feel like you're good enough. And if you're constantly feeling like that,, that's gonna put you in this fight or flight all the time.
And what happens as a leader is it then has an impact on your staff and the culture of your school. If you are constantly like, this has to be perfect, or I'm not [00:08:00] safe, right? If that's your brain's thinking, then your staff is gonna sense that even if you feel like you're doing a really good job of hiding it or covering it up.
They're gonna feel micromanaged. They're gonna fear taking initiative or doing things on their own, maybe trying new things and then they're gonna feel disconnected or have low morale. So you really wanna be careful if you know that you're a stickler. I'm working with principals that are sticklers, and the great thing is there are people that are super aware, and when you're aware of it.
It can really make all the difference, which we're gonna talk about. It can help you with that chronic stress and burnout and really help you know how you're interacting with your staff. So I wanna talk about how to go from perfection to progress by reframing this stickler.
So first you want to do the 80 20 shift. So you wanna think about 20% of your task require excellence. There's probably 20% of your task that do need to be your absolute best work, but then there's 80% of [00:09:00] your task as a principle that can be good enough. I call it B plus work.
I tell clients this when they need to do B plus work. I say, whatever your B plus work is, there's somebody out there that that's their A work and it's okay to do B plus work. 80% can be good enough on certain things. Okay. And maybe it too, it's having people help you. I do something quick and then have people read over a.
Communications I'm sending home to parents or communications I'm sending to staff. I did weekly notes and I had my secretary check it every week so that she made sure I didn't mess up any dates or, mess up the communication I was sending out to staff. I was really consistent and she always found errors in what I did.
But it's because I did it quick, had her check it, and having those double eyes on it always made sure it was good to go. I didn't have to spend a ton of time on it. So remember, 80% of your tasks can be good enough. They can be B plus work, and then you wanna challenge the sticklers lies that you tell yourself.
You know, a lot of [00:10:00] people, as sticklers say, well, this is why I'm so good at my job because I'm a stickler, I'm a perfectionist, and I'm detail oriented. Being detail oriented can be good, but if it's such a negative thing where you're criticizing yourself, if it's not good enough, then it really isn't coming from a good place because it's gonna come from burnout, chronic stress, and micromanaging others.
So you have to think about that and then think about, is perfectionism really bringing peace to you? Is it making your job better? Or is it just pressuring you? And if it's coming from a place of pressure, then that's different. That's not going to lead to good leadership because you're going to be stressed about it.
It has to come from a calm state that you're being detail oriented. For it to be productive versus destructive of, it's gotta be perfect. It's not good enough. You know, I'm the only one who can do it this way. All of those lies you tell yourself. They just make it harder for you to lead in a way [00:11:00] that's gonna help you delegate and empower more people.
So also, I want you to shift to better collaboration versus perfect order. So when we fall into perfectionism, we often chase having perfect order. We want everything to be perfect, right? We want students to behave perfectly. We want our teachers to teach perfectly. We want everything throughout the day to go.
Perfect. And if you're doing that as a principal. Just know that's completely unrealistic because nothing goes perfect, right? We want kids or teachers to behave in a certain way, and that's when we get frustrated when people don't meet our expectations. Where if we have realistic expectations, then we know teachers are going to mess up.
Kids are going to mess up, and we are going to mess up. We are all human. That's part of it. So I want you to think about that. If you're a person who wants perfect order, right? Everything to be perfect. You as a leader, it can't be about having control over every detail every day. That's not leadership. But [00:12:00] what if the goal isn't perfect order, but better collaboration?
Okay, so what if you're thinking it's not perfect order, but better collaboration. Collaboration with staff, collaboration with students, collaboration with parents, right? We're all about collaboration. Everybody working together. So when we're thinking about perfect order. The perfectionist, the stickler, the goal there is it's driven by control.
We have high expectations, but not in a good way. We have high, such high expectations. They really aren't a standard at all because you can never meet them. , you value correctness over connection with others. You micromanage. , you are really rigid, but that's gonna lead to staff burnout.
You're fueled by fear of judgment or things falling apart. , your mindset is something like, if I don't stay on top of every little thing, everything will unravel. It won't be good enough. Okay. Where if we move to better collaboration, this is such a healthier [00:13:00] approach mentally.
It really is. When you think about collaboration, it's rooted in trust, shared ownership, and open communication for your building. Think about how much better teachers are gonna perform. In a building rooted in trust and shared ownership versus control, and high expectations that nobody can even meet. Not just high expectations, but on unrealistic expectations.
And then also, better collaboration prioritizes people and relationships over perfection. It prioritizes the idea that we are all human, including yourself, and you are going to make mistakes. It welcomes diverse perspectives, flexible problem solving, people coming to you and having conversations, and it really builds a school culture where people feel safe to contribute, grow, try new things, which is so important if you want teachers to get better at what they do.
And an example mindset for this better collaboration is really when we work together. Things may not be perfect, but they're [00:14:00] powerful. And think about what a better climate and culture that makes for your building when you lead with the mindset. When we work together, things may not be perfect, but they're powerful.
So really think about when you're able to shift. This is so important because perfection. That really isolates you as a leader because not everybody can uphold your standard and that stresses them out, versus that collaboration is really going to connect you versus isolate you and then being perfect.
It exhausts you. It because you are holding yourself to a standard that's not possible. Where being collaborative energizes you and your team. Everybody's energized when you're collaborative. When you let go of being the only one responsible for getting it right, you make space for others to be empowered too and to step up into leadership.
Because if you are the only one who can get it right, then nobody else is going to even try to lead because they're going to think there's no way I can even come close to that [00:15:00] standard. So I want you to ask yourself, , instead of, is this flawless, is this perfect? Ask yourself, are we collaborating towards something meaningful?
Is what we're doing here meaningful? Think about that. Bigger purpose of leadership. Get out of the small details of everything being perfect. Think big picture. Remember, you are the leader of the building, but it's not your job to carry the weight of the entire school alone. That's when you're gonna get burnout.
That's when you're not going to be able to do this job anymore. your power as a principal lies in leading the collaboration, not perfecting everything going on in the building. I want you to think about what is one area where you could lower the bar just a little bit.
And that seems like an odd thing. , okay, where do I wanna lower the bar? But where do you feel like you're putting a hundred percent of your effort and you don't need to be? Where are those things that you're just making sure it's perfect all the time? And it doesn't need to be what's one task, where good enough [00:16:00] is truly enough?
So think about that. What's one task that good enough is truly enough?
And if you need a reframe, just remember, go back to that idea that. , your power as a principal lies in leading the collaboration. So today I really want you to think about if you are a stickler, if you're a perfectionist, think about what areas you could lower the bar, what task you want to be, , what's one task, where good enough is truly enough.
And then I want you to also just take some time. If you're able, and I'll put the link in the show notes to do that saboteur assessment and see if there are saboteurs that you might not be aware of. Because once you become aware of your saboteurs, like the stickler, then you're able to become aware, reframe them, catch them, and know when you're, , being a stickler.
And that's when you're really able to make that change as a leader. But just remember, your leadership doesn't have to be flawless to be powerful. What's powerful is when you influence people and you lead them and [00:17:00] empower them in a way that they wanna be collaborative in the building and part of the process of change.
So if you know a perfectionist principles, share this episode with them. , also make sure that you download that free assessment. Try that. You can go, , like I said, I'll put the link in the show notes, try that assessment, see what your sticklers are. And if you're interested, I do a free session where we go through your saboteurs, see what they are, see how they're affecting your leadership, and see if coaching would be a good fit for you to help change that.
And if you love the show, if you're listening on Apple, scroll down in your app and leave a review. Keep in mind that you have the power to shape your life according to the mindset you choose. I hope you have a great week, and I'll see you back here next time.[00:18:00]