The Principal's Handbook

Balancing Empathy and Authority in Leadership
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[00:00:00] In today's episode, we are going to be talking about balancing empathy and authority as a principal. That's all coming up next, right here on the Principal's Handbook. Stay tuned.

Speaker: Welcome to the Principal's Handbook, your go-to resource for principals looking to revamp their leadership approach and prioritize self-care. I'm Barb Flowers, a certified life coach with eight years of experience as an elementary principal. Tune in each week as we delve into strategies for boosting mental resilience, managing time effectively, and nurturing overall wellness.

From tackling daily challenges to maintaining a healthy work-life balance. We'll navigate the complexities of school leadership together. Join me in fostering your sense of purpose as a principal and reigniting your passion for the job. Welcome to a podcast where your wellbeing is the top priority. I.

Well, welcome everyone to the podcast. Today we are talking about balancing empathy and authority as a principal, and I'm excited about this topic because I think this is a super tricky concept, [00:01:00] but it's very important as a school leader.

We have to find the sweet spot between being empathetic and having authority as principals, a lot of us have gone into education because we care deeply about kids. We wanna make a difference for kids.

And so typically, I would say educators are empathetic, they're empaths, they want to help others. They feel deeply. And I have to say though, having empathy is a good thing as a school leader, but you have to balance that with authority because empathy helps us to relate to kids, to teachers, to families.

But authority is what's going to give us the influence and it's going to allow us to make the decisions that shape our schools. So both are super important. When you're leading, you don't wanna go. Too far in either direction. So I just wanna start by talking about empathy. Just remember that empathy in leadership is really about understanding other people's perspectives.

It's about listening and caring deeply, seeing the human side of [00:02:00] situations. And again, most principles are naturally empathetic because you choose to go into education, you care about the kids that you serve, and you want to make a difference And empathy.

Builds trust. It builds relationships. It builds connection. I think that's part of why I have such a good relationship with the staffs that I've worked with is because I'm a very empathetic person and because I'm empathetic. I can remember being a teacher like it was yesterday, like I feel like I just stepped out of the classroom even though it's been almost 10 years.

So it, it's a really positive thing as a leader. But empathy without boundaries can make you indecisive. It can make you a people pleaser. It can be a hard thing in leadership if you're too empathetic and you're not balancing that. With authority. So now I wanna talk about authority.

Well, authority and leadership. That's your ability to set direction, to make tough calls, to have that tough conversation that you might not wanna have, [00:03:00] to enforce boundaries and uphold policies and standards that you have in your building. And so. Authority is very important for leadership. You cannot lead effectively without some sort of authority.

I'm not talking about total authority. I'm just talking about having authority. Again,, You don't wanna lean too much on each side, but staff, students and parents need to know that you are the one guiding the school, that you are the one in charge and authority.

Without empathy, it can make you seem really rigid. It could seem harsh, disconnected, or even like an authoritarian. And so it is important that you balance that . Balance is important. Empathy is what makes people feel seen and valued. And authority helps people have safety and consistency because they know that you're going to have the hard conversation, that you're going to hold people accountable.

So they're really wonderful Together. They create respect and trust in the building. And so if you can find that balance, which is what we're talking [00:04:00] about today. That is going to help you become a really strong leader. And where I really started thinking about this concept and talking about it was in my newest course, the Principal's Discipline Blueprint, because I talk a lot about how this balance is so important when you're dealing with discipline and talking to parents or teachers, but typically parents, , if you're dealing with discipline and you're dealing with a difficult parent who doesn't want their child to be in trouble.

You wanna have empathy, but you have to continue to have authority. You have to have those firm expectations with consequences. And so that's really where this concept and idea played out. And so if you're interested in the principle's discipline blueprint, go to the eight to four principle.com. Check out that blueprint, or I'll put it in the show notes as well, and you can look for that.

So now what I wanna dive into are three tips to balance empathy and authority. So we're talking about balancing the two. So the first tip is lead [00:05:00] with listening, but end with clarity. So you have to lead with listening because that's the empathy part, but you have to end with clarity because that's the boundaries.

So when a teacher or a student or a parent comes to you and they're upset. Your first job isn't to fix it, as a principal, sometimes we just jump into fix it mode because we're the leaders of the building. A lot of us like to do that. That's how we became a principal. But what you need to start with in any situation is with the listening.

Listening shows empathy. It builds that trust. It helps people feel seen and heard. And so before you make a decision or decide the direction you're going, you just need to stop. Go into that state of empathy, listen to what is happening, listen to all sides of the story, and then you can think about where you need to go next.

. You need to step into that piece where you're listening so you know what's happening. Now, here's the caveat. If you get stuck here, if you don't go to the next [00:06:00] step, which a lot of principals I think sometimes get stuck here, now you're only empathizing. You're only listening, and you're not coming up with a clear next.

Step. And when that happens, people can leave. You know, the conversation with you feeling confused. They might leave feeling like nothing's going to change, like you're not going to do anything. So now after you listen and you're leading with that empathy, this is where that balance comes and you have to.

Close with that authority with the boundaries. So for example, if a parent comes, frustrated about a consequence their child received, you can say, I hear how upset you are. I understand it's hard to hear that your child did something like this. I understand that. It's not easy to hear that, and I can tell that's hard for you to hear.

However, this is where the authority piece comes in. Here's what the consequence is, and it's important that your child has a consequence for accountability and to hold them to the standard, so having that empathy, you can [00:07:00] say, I hear, I understand you're upset.

I know this is hard. But having that authority. But here's why this consequence is necessary, and they need it for accountability and to be held to the standard of the building. So that is where that balance is, that empathy and authority. But what I want you to do here, , some action I want you to take from this tip is notice when you get stuck in empathy.

Be aware, maybe go back and reflect on some situations where have you. Just gotten stuck in the empathy piece and you didn't lead with the authority. Maybe you heard a parent upset about behavior and you said, I know how upset you are, and you changed the consequence. Or maybe, you know, a teacher was upset and you heard that even though they didn't follow an expectation and you didn't follow up with the authority piece,

so pay attention. To where you might have been stuck in that empathy piece and showing understanding and nodding along, but you didn't actually move the conversation forward. [00:08:00] So ask yourself when you're listening in these situations, am I listening Just to comfort people. Or am I listening to actually move towards clarity and a decision.

Okay, so again, ask yourself, am I listening just to comfort people or am I listening to move towards clarity and a decision? Okay, so I want you to practice with having a clear next step every time you're talking to a teacher, a parent, a student of listening, and then saying, here's what will happen moving forward.

This gives you that authority piece. This gives you that decisive piece where you know this is what's going to happen next. Okay, so tip one, lead with listening, end with clarity and your action here is notice when you get stuck in empathy. Tip two. The second thing I want you to think about when you're balancing empathy and authority is using both and language.

One of the fastest ways to balance empathy and authority is actually with your words. Instead of saying [00:09:00] things as either or frame them as both. And so for example, I understand you're feeling frustrated about how hard this is or how much time this takes. And we also need to stay consistent with the process so kids get the support they need.

, Maybe if you have a teacher upset, let's say about entering PBIS data. I understand you're frustrated with how much time this takes,

and we also need to enter these behavior situations so we can analyze the data in our building. . That's understanding, that's empathy. And this is why we have to do it though. It's both. And if you're talking to a student, I know you didn't mean to hurt your classmates' feelings. And it's still important that we repair the harm by apologizing, by writing an apology note, whatever you want that to be.

But having that both in language, it really keeps people from just dismissing the accountability piece, and actually having both that empathy and the authority. So it [00:10:00] reframes your empathy as being inclusive, being supportive, but not combative. . So the action I want you to take here is to reflect on where your empathy makes excuses for behavior.

And I chose this action because I'm really guilty of this, I can get so in it where I can empathize so much on one side that then I can make excuses for behavior. Once I started realizing I was doing this in tough conversations, then I was able to fix it, but I didn't realize I was doing it.

I would understand why somebody did something even though they shouldn't have, and so I almost made an excuse for their behavior, so I didn't have to have the hard conversation. But once it was pointed out to me that was what I was doing, I was able to reflect on it and realize that really what I was doing.

It was, I was letting it slide. I was saying, I understand, so I'm going to let it slide. Even though that's not what I was saying. That's really what was happening because my empathy was turning into avoidance of having the [00:11:00] hard conversation of, holding someone accountable to what we're supposed to actually be doing. I challenge you to reframe. I understand, and here's still what needs to happen. I understand this is how you're feeling and this is still going to happen. I understand. And there's still going to be a consequence. A simple way to practice this is to just jot down two sentences. One that shows empathy and one that shows a boundary.

And how are you going to combine them? If you had asked your teachers to do something and they didn't do it, you could have empathy for why they didn't do it. But then you also have to set that boundary that this is something that needs to be done, you have to have that.

. So tip two, use both and language and your action here is reflect on where empathy is, making excuses for someone's behavior. And the third tip is anchor authority and values not power. And I think when we think of authority, a lot of times we think of it negatively like the idea of power,

authority , gets a bad [00:12:00] reputation, like it's used like a hammer because I said so, that's not the authority we're talking about. We're not talking about authority. That creates resentment and fear. We're talking about authority that's balanced with empathy.

So when you exercise authority and you grounded it in shared values, everyone can understand shared values such as safety, respect, all kids, learning, fairness, these are all values that if you talk to people, most people can get behind. , the tone shifts from I'm the boss and this is why you're doing it to, I'm protecting students learning, or I'm protecting our safety in this school, whatever it is.

So an example with your staff, I know it's tough to send a student. Out of class when you care about them. But our value is keeping all kids safe so everyone can learn. Or maybe it's, I know it's hard to. Focus on having positive rewards for kids, but our value is helping kids learn behavior and not just be punitive [00:13:00] in behavior.

That's another example for staff. An example with parents, I understand it feels harsh for your child to have this consequence. But I need to make sure every student knows our school is a safe and respectful place, that they can't talk like that. So it's giving them that empathy, but holding that boundary in a way that shows the empathy.

So when people see that you're using authority to protect values, and not just because you said so, they're much more likely to trust and support your decision. It's hard to argue with values that make sense for your school. So our tip is anchor authority and values, not power, but your action here is to make sure you know your values.

It's hard to do this well. If you don't have clear values. Get crystal clear on what the values are for your school. It safety, respect? The principal that I worked with when I was a teacher. Talked about integrity. Everything was based on integrity. He had that value. He made it crystal clear.

So [00:14:00] write down what your values are and keep them front of mind. So when you're. Having to talk to a teacher, a parent, a student, you are communicating those values. And when you communicate a tough decision, tie it back to the value, because I value safety here. This keeps your authority from sounding like it's a personal attack or it doesn't make a, it doesn't make sense.

It's arbitrary. You just made it up because, and that's not true. And so it really helps your staff, the kids, the parents, see that bigger purpose. And it always helps people to see that you're very intentional, when you communicate with those values in mind, it shows that you're being very intentional as a leader.

So just to recap our three tips you wanna lead with listening and end with clarity. You wanna use both and language, and you want to anchor authority and values not power. So if you focus on these three tips, you're going to be able to balance , empathy plus [00:15:00] authority.

And that's really going to help you be the best version of yourself as a leader, because empathy without authority is just kindness. It's you not having impact. It's not going to help you be a better leader. But authority without empathy is power without connection, you don't want that power.

Without the connection that you get from empathy. So when you balance both, you lead with compassion, you lead with clarity, and you're able to actually lead with more confidence , if you wanna go deeper into this topic, go check out the principal's discipline blueprint. I'll put the link in the show notes, go to the eight to four principle.com to grab that, but really reflect on where am I being too empathetic and maybe where am I being too authoritative? So reflect on that. Where do you lean more naturally? Is it with the empathy side or authority side? And what's one step you're going to take this week to strengthen the other side? So I hope you found this episode helpful. If you love this show, if you're listing on Apple, scroll down on your app, leave a review, but keep in [00:16:00] mind that you have the power to shape your life according to the mindset you choose.

I hope you have a great week. I'll see you back here next time.